If I were a noir version of myself, I:

wouldn’t have given up smoking
would own more pairs of high heels
would be gritty and would have a sonorous seductive voice
I’d be haunted by my past
I’d be in muted tones – apart from my lipstick, which would be stark red
I’d definitely be embroiled in some kind of tangled plot of intrigue.
I’d also possibly look something like this picture Ink did of me.

I probably wouldn’t have much time for writing though, so I guess it’s fine that I’m not so Noir.